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“어떻게 하면 좋은 사람을 만날 수 있나요?”에 대한 첫 번째 답변

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20여년 동안 중매를 하면서 
사람들이 내게 가장 궁금해하는 질문이 있다.
“어떻게 하면 좋은 사람을 만날 수 있나요?”

중매 초창기에는 나도 그 부분이 가장 궁금했다.

그런데 수천, 수만명을 중매하고,
많은 결혼쌍을 지켜보면서 결론을 내게 되었다.

그렇게 오랜 세월 고민했던 
‘나에게는 어떤 상대가 어울릴까?’는 바로
‘나는 어떤 사람일까?’에서 출발한다는 것이다.

남녀관계는 참 상대적이다.
잘 어울릴 것 같은 남녀가 서로 상극일 수도 있고,
‘어떻게 저 두 사람이 커플일 수 있을까?’
도무지 이해가 안되는 남녀가 죽고 못사는 일도 무수히 많다.

그들의 속사정을 일일이 알 수도 없고, 알 필요도 없다.
나의 속사정부터 알고 보자.

1. 나를 분석하는 것이다.

최소한 나 자신만이라도 분명히 알 수 있다면
내가 원하는 배우자의 조건, 행복의 기준을 알 수 있고,
그래서 여기에 맞는 상대를 찾을 수 있다.

명문대를 졸업한 직장여성 H는 몇 달 전 
미국에서 박사학위를 받고 대학에서 강의를 하는 
7살 연상의 남성을 소개받았다. 
학벌, 직업, 가정환경, 게다가 외모까지 뭐 하나 빠지는 게 없는 그에게 
H씨는 홀딱 빠졌다.

하지만 상대남의 마음은 그녀와는 달랐던 것 같다. 
그녀를 일종의 보험 같이. 
그러니까 한창 주가 높을 때 많은 여성들을 만나보고 
혹시 잘 안될 경우에 선택하면 되는, 존재로 생각하는 게
훤히 보인다.

연애 초기인데도 그가 먼저 전화하는 일이 거의 없었고, 
전화를 해도 몇 마디 하는 게 고작이었다. 
H씨가 애를 써야 데이트라도 하게 되는 두 사람, 
조금 지치기는 해도 그녀는 조건 빵빵한 그와 헤어질 생각은 없다. 

H씨는 자신에게 어울리는 상대를 만난 걸까?
H씨가 그 남자와 결혼하면 행복할까?

그녀는 결혼상대를 찾으면서
남성의 조건을 먼저 생각했다.

아마 대부분의 사람들이 그럴 것이다.

내가 보기에 그녀는 감수성이 예민하고, 마음이 여려서
대화가 통하고, 서로 존중해줄 수 있는 남성이 더 잘 맞는다.

하지만 그녀는 자신의 이런 정서적인 면을 고려하지 않았다.

솔직히 나는 두 사람이 헤어지는 게 맞다고 본다.

우리가 이성을 만나고, 결혼을 하려는 것은
행복해지기 위해서다.

그렇다면 내가 행복해질 수 있는 만남이 뭔지
생각해보는 게 당연하다.

그래서 자신을 분석해보는 것이다.

무조건 조건이 높은 수준이라고
좋은 건 아니다.

행복의 기준은
연봉, 학벌, 경제력 등과 같이
높고 낮음을 평가하는 조건이 아니라,

취미, 종교, 라이프 스타일, 식성처럼
함께 공유할 수 있는 것,
즉 수평적인 조건이 
훨씬 직접적인 영향을 준다.

수평적인 조건은
누가 높고, 누가 낮다, 는 식의
우열적인 평가를 하게 된다.

하지만 수평적인 조건은
서로 맞춰가면서 함께 할 수 있으면서
그러면서도 살면서 큰 영향을 주는 부분이다.

그런데도 고려하지 않는 경향이 있다.

식성을 생각해보면
금방 답이 나온다.

고기 좋아하는 남자와 채식을 하는 여자가 만나면
처음 1-2번은 신기하고, 재밌을 수 있다.
하지만 결혼해서 함께 산다고 하면
불편하고 어려운 문제가 생긴다.
 
라이프 스타일도 마찬가지다.

남편은 아침을 꼭 먹고 나가야 하는데,
아내는 아침잠이 많아서 늦게 일어난다.
물론 몇 번은 혼자 차려먹거나 나가서 먹거나
할 수도 있다.
하지만 이렇게 평생 살 수는 없다.

사소한 것 같지만,
일상 생활에서 반복되는 부분이라면
정말 큰 영향을 주게 된다.

몇 개 중 절반만 맞으면 결혼해서 잘 산다.
1가지만 맞아서 
그것을 바탕으로 서로 노력하면 된다.

이런 것이 바로 행복의 기준이 되는 것이다.

직업, 학벌, 연봉, 이런 조건으로 보는
배우자상에서 탈피해서
내가 행복할 수 있는 기준이 뭔지를
생각해보는 게 필요하다.


A detailed way to meet a right person
- The first answer to the question “ How can I find the right person for me?”

I have done match-making business for the last 20 years, and the most frequently asked question is;
-How can I find the right person for myself?

 As I was starting my business, I was also wondering why this was. After I helped thousands of couples marry and live happily, I got an answer for that question.  The question “What kind of person would be the best for me?” starts with the idea “What kind of person am I?”

The male-female relationship has been always within the term of relativity. Sometimes couples who look like well-mingled to each other are antipathy to each other while other times couples who bring forth the question “How could those person be couples?” love each other the most affectionate way. There is, however, no need to know the inner parts of those couples. No, it is not necessary to try to know, either. The first thing to know is who I am.

1. Analyze myself.

If I know who I am clearly, I may know the criteria of happiness and the conditions of the partners that I want, and thus I can find the right person.
A career woman Ms H who graduated from a renowned university was introduced to a man who is 7 years her senior, and an instructor in a college. Ms H fell in love with him because his education, profession, familial background, and the pulchritude were satisfactory.
The feeling of the man was, however, much different from hers. He regarded her as kind of insurance policy.  He wanted to meet as many women as possible while he was valued by women.   He regarded this woman as the last choice when all things went wrong.
He never called her even though it was the beginning of engagement, and once he called by her, he responded her by a short comment. Ms H was able to date him only when she strived to make it. She did not, however, have any mind to get separated from this good man.

 
Did Ms H meet a man who was the right person to her?
If Ms H gets married to him, would she be happy ever?

 
She thought of the conditions of man first when she began to search future partners.  Most of the people would be like that anyways. I, as a match-maker, think that she is very sensitive and tender-hearted, and thus a man who can respect to each other and communicate softly would be better fit. She did not, however, consider such emotional stuffs.  In my opinion, these couples would be better if they can.

We meet and marry the people of the opposite sex to be happy. If it is so, it is natural to think about what kind of meeting would bring me happiness. This is why people analyze themselves. It is not always good to have a high standard.
I think that the criteria of happiness are not the financial capacity, education, etc, but the common stuffs such as the hobby, religion, life style, appetite, etc.  The vertical criteria may evaluate and categorize people from high class to low class. The horizontal criteria do not categorize and divide people but make people to harmonize each other. Even though the horizontal criteria do such a great thing in consortium, people tend to neglect them.

You can get the right answer if you think of personal appetite.

When a man who likes meat and a woman who is a vegetarian meet and dine, it may be interesting and mysterious. If they marry and live together, there may be uncomfortable and difficult problems arising from the appetite.

The same analysis may be applied to life style.

When the husband must have breakfast early and the wife is used to wake up late due to morning slumber, there may be troubles, too. Of course, the husband may go to office skipping breakfast or go outside and buy fast foods for a while. This may not, however, go forever anyways.

Even though the stuffs are trivial, if they are repeated daily, they are very important.

People live harmoniously if they have some common things together. Spouses need to try based on the common stuffs. This is so-called the criteria of happiness.

I think it is necessary to get away from the superficial criteria such as profession, education, financial capacity, etc. of the future spouses.


It is necessary and important to think about what the criteria for my happiness is.

 
 
 
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